Wednesday, May 16, 2012

My nightmare

Ever since I had my cardio appointment on April 30th and learned that my left ventricle had decreased function I have been scared. I saw my echo report 2 days later and my fear only intensified as I saw the words Indication: Left Sided Heart Failure. My mother assured me that he had only written that on the report so that we could get the Cardiac CT approved by insurance without too much BS. I wasn't so sure about that.

Last night I was looking forward to a really good night sleep as I was officially on Summer Break! Sleep wasn't easy on me. I had a dream in which I had gone in to see my cardio and he was telling me that there was nothing else they could do for me and that I had to go on the Heart Transplant list. I remember just crying and crying and demanding to know why he didn't warn me of this possibility when I had gone in to see him at the end of April. I remember him telling me that the Cardiac CT results showed him that despite me being basically asymptomatic,I was in need of a new heart.

I remember throwing a model of the human heart at his head and crying for my mom. I just remember that feeling of complete terror. My worst nightmare had come true. I remember my mom hugging me and making demands of the cardio (I don't know what those demands were) I remember bits and pieces of the rest of the visit. I remember the drive home. We were both crying and my mom was insisting that this had to be a mistake.

....Then I woke up.

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