Monday, April 25, 2011

For me

This past week and weekend sucked big time. First I fell on my left side and landed hard on my ribs. That fractured at least one of them.So I spent my Spring Break in pain and loopy on pain meds.So not the way I wanted to spend my week off. Then there was that whole issue with Jenna Evans which I will not go into. My heart hurts for Holly and I hope she knows she's got the support of a ton of people.

Then last night came. I was really not looking forward to going back to school so I was relaxing and watching the Lakers/Hornets game when I got the news.Sweet beautiful Olivia Davis had died. I had been Facebook friends with her parents before she wa even born and it broke my heart to hear that she had lost her fight. on the first day of my vacation I had gone to Target. I was going to get her something small but I couldn't find anything I liked.

So when I got the news last night I was hit with a sickening realization. I wasn't meant to find something for her because she wasn't going to make it. My stomach lurched,the tears streamed down my face.I developed a lump in my throat that made swallowing so hard.I reached out to some very dear friends who understood what I was feeling completely. Ladies you know who you are.

 I felt guilty. Stanford was not far away and I should have made the trip down there to meet them and to see her. Sleep didn't come for a long time last night. I kept seeing her in my mind ever time I closed my eyes and the waves of sadness kept hitting me.

I can't live like this. I can't allow every loss to absolutely devastate me. I need to take some me time away from Facebook and away from these amazing families who I adore so much. I need to do this for me so I take care of the one life I have. The one life I was allowed to live. I won't go into the survivors guilt issue because I've already talked about that. I'll just say that it hurts and it makes me feel guilty when another child loses his or her life because of CHD.I know I shouldn't feel guilty and I'm working on that.

If you want my number just ask and I'll give it to you.That's the best way to contact me while I take this much needed hiatus.

Monday, April 18, 2011

Jealousy and Joy

First of all let me preface this with the statement that I am so excited for her. She deserves this as do so many other women in our CHD community,With that said,I'm jealous and really hurt. I'm supposedly a good friend of hers and yet I had no idea that she was expecting until today.I'm hurt that she didn't tell me herself and that I had to find out from other friends.

It hurts knowing that I will never be able to carry a child because my cardiologist has already told me that it's much too dangerous.I want to get married and have a family someday and that day doesn't seem to be coming any closer. I have already made the choice to either use a surrogate or find some way to adopt.

It's hard knowing so many women in our community are expecting.Especially someone who's a CHD Survivor like me. That hits so close to home.I don't know if I'll ever get that chance to be a mom and yet I cannot help but be happy for all of these women in our community.Especially for my fellow CHD Survivor.

I don't want to be the jealous angry friend because I am truly excited for her. I want to be beside her every step of the way in spirit because I can't be there in person.I want to be supportive and loving.I want to be a good friend despite the baby envy I am having.I really hope that I can get past this feeling of envy and intense jealousy.

To her I'll simply say congratulations. I am so happy for you.