Friday, September 28, 2012

Day 3

There is really only one way to describe my day without Facebook in it.


I never thought I'd feel like this again. Not constantly being bombarded with pictures of kids that I'll never have,relationships that I don't have and marriages that I am scared to have is SO peaceful. Not only that but to be blissfully unaware of any sort of "FB Drama" is an amazing feeling.It's like a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders.

Taking a Facebook break has allowed me to focus not only on my hobbies and interests,but it has allowed me to take a much closer look at what and who I want in my life. I do have a small circle of real life friends who are supportive and loving and who I know would be there for me if I ever needed them.

And then there's the guy. I know I'll take a lot of flak for this but this guy and I have been friends since he was eight and I was ten. As teenagers we dated.It was a whirlwind romance that included an engagement.At the time I couldn't have been happier,but a month later I realized that I was not ready to be engaged and we broke it off.

We didn't speak for several years until he started dating this girl.She was much more into him than he was into her.It was almost an obsessive level.He ended things with her shortly after I told him that if he didn't feel that strongly about her,then he needed to end it.

We went a few more years without talking.And suddenly in the Fall of 2006 we began rekindling what we had once had.He even went as far as to say that if I was to get married,he wouldn't be able to be there because he'd wish that he was my groom.

I was scared of failing at the relationship so I put the kibosh on things before they ever really got far. 2 years later we talked a few times. He had met someone and he was crazy about her. I wasn't jealous.Not at all.I wanted him to be happy and this girl clearly made him happy. That was ALL I wanted for him.

In the Spring of 2010 I got a call from his mother.His longtime girlfriend had died while waiting for a heart transplant. I was heartsick for him. I knew by his recent (3 months earlier) holiday card how absolutely head over heels in love with her he had been.That's when I reopened the lines of communication. I wanted to make sure that he was okay.

Now its nearly 30 months afterward and we still talk on a weekly basis. If she had been any other girl.If the relationship hadn't been so obviously full of love,I would consider reconciling with him.He has made it clear that he'd be open to it,but as of right now he's just not ready.I'm just not wanting to live my life being compared to the woman who died and I'm terrified that I will always be compared to the woman that he was head over heels in love with for nearly 2 years.

...But I also don't want to live my life wondering "what if..."

It doesn't help that my mom asked about him the other day.I looked at her like she was crazy.She had never liked him or his family so I don't know why she was even asking about him.

What if that was a sign?

This time away from Facebook is causing me to think a lot about different things. Actually I think obsess is a much better word.

And now I think this blog post is the longest blog post I've ever written.

Oh well,back to contemplating things...

Thursday, September 27, 2012

Rediscovering Me

Rumors are ugly and mean spirited and a big part of why I have taken a step back from the heart community. Make no mistake,I love all of the heart families that I have grown to know,but this...hiatus if you will was long overdue. In the past I had said that I was going to take a break and my breaks never lasted long at all.

When I realized that I was losing me,was when I knew I needed to take a break. 25 months ago I jumped in wholeheartedly (no pun intended) into the heart community.I offered advice (when asked) I shared my experience and I was there whenever anyone needed to chat. I was there so much for others that I forgot to take care of me. I am a daughter,sister,niece,aunt,granddaughter,woman and friend before anything else. 

Yes I do have a heart problem but I am much more than that.In fact I don't think about my heart stuff much at all.Maybe that's because I am doing so well.Maybe it's because it was such an open topic when I was little. I'm just not sure. 

I'm only on my 2nd day of my self imposed hiatus and I have to say I am more relaxed and I'm returning to the things that I loved to do before I got sucked into the online heart community. I've even discovered a new passion. I love being in the kitchen. Cooking or baking is incredibly relaxing and it allows me to get lost in what I am doing. I usually have music going as well so that really gets me going. I am going to try to do a new thing in the kitchen at least every other day.

I don't know how long I'll be away from the online community. I just know that right now I am rediscovering passions and reexamining priorities in my life.