Monday, April 25, 2011

For me

This past week and weekend sucked big time. First I fell on my left side and landed hard on my ribs. That fractured at least one of them.So I spent my Spring Break in pain and loopy on pain meds.So not the way I wanted to spend my week off. Then there was that whole issue with Jenna Evans which I will not go into. My heart hurts for Holly and I hope she knows she's got the support of a ton of people.

Then last night came. I was really not looking forward to going back to school so I was relaxing and watching the Lakers/Hornets game when I got the news.Sweet beautiful Olivia Davis had died. I had been Facebook friends with her parents before she wa even born and it broke my heart to hear that she had lost her fight. on the first day of my vacation I had gone to Target. I was going to get her something small but I couldn't find anything I liked.

So when I got the news last night I was hit with a sickening realization. I wasn't meant to find something for her because she wasn't going to make it. My stomach lurched,the tears streamed down my face.I developed a lump in my throat that made swallowing so hard.I reached out to some very dear friends who understood what I was feeling completely. Ladies you know who you are.

 I felt guilty. Stanford was not far away and I should have made the trip down there to meet them and to see her. Sleep didn't come for a long time last night. I kept seeing her in my mind ever time I closed my eyes and the waves of sadness kept hitting me.

I can't live like this. I can't allow every loss to absolutely devastate me. I need to take some me time away from Facebook and away from these amazing families who I adore so much. I need to do this for me so I take care of the one life I have. The one life I was allowed to live. I won't go into the survivors guilt issue because I've already talked about that. I'll just say that it hurts and it makes me feel guilty when another child loses his or her life because of CHD.I know I shouldn't feel guilty and I'm working on that.

If you want my number just ask and I'll give it to you.That's the best way to contact me while I take this much needed hiatus.

1 comment:

  1. I was at Target the other night looking at blankets and stuff for her also. I found 2 blankets, they were both so cute and so Olivia, but I didn't get the feeling that either one was for her, so I put them back and figured I'd get something later. I'm one of those that only buys something if it feels right. But I had bought an HLHS onesie not long ago and sent it to her.

    Don't feel guilty about not getting up to see her. I live even closer than you and I didn't get over to see her either, I feel guilty about that, but I can't change that now. I am going to the services if they have any for her since I only live about 20-30 minutes from them. But even if they have them out of the area I will still go.

    Take all the time you need. Love you Alexia! Take care of you. :)